Thursday, May 13, 2010

Will the money really follow?

May 13, 2010

I may have found the wetsuit I’ve been looking for on Craig’s List for sixty dollars. It’s a Body Glove 3/4 size 11. Of course, I don’t seem to have sixty dollars to pay for a wetsuit right now. I have sixty dollars for groceries. For phone bills. For auto insurance. But for a wetsuit?

Finances are very tight in this family and an enormous component of this project is to demonstrate my commitment to creating a rewarding life for my family by pursuing a dream. I’ve always heard that if I do what I love, the money will follow. I’ve even said it to other people. But I’ve never believed it. Not really. Not in a “pay for the wetsuit instead of the phone bills” kind of way.

Last night I had a dream I was doing some kind of water training. I was practicing diving under waves that would otherwise knock me down. I wasn’t on a board. I was in the water. Treading or standing, I’m not sure. Over and over, I would watch a wave approach and then dive under to avoid getting tumbled. My coach was an older, almost portly, football-coach type guy: a balding white man. All business. Shirtless.

After a few rounds of this drill, the next practice was to keep my head down, facing away from the waves, and dive under without seeing the wave first. The purpose was to be prepared before the wave hit. It made sense in the dream, now not so much. Facing away from the crests of giant waves, they would wash over me without my knowing when they would hit. It was suspenseful, scary and I was so apprehensive it was hard not to sneak a peak at what was heading my way. I think the exercise was about mastering surprise and always being ready/prepared.

In another part of the dream, I was pregnant and already showing. It was too late for an abortion. How hadn’t I noticed? I remembered having unprotected sex with Brian, but it had only been a few nights earlier and I was already so pregnant. I wasn’t exactly happy but I was resigned: gearing up to take a deep breath (!) and do it - have another child.

Maybe it's this project. It's too late to turn back. Because I want it to be too late. I'm tired of quitting things that go to slow, that get too hard, that don't look like they're paying off. I'm tired of being that person who has a believable excuse for every unfulfilled dream.

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